I Get It..

I get it. When there are anxious thoughts and you don’t have God – shoot, even with God – you want to run to a distraction to help you get around it. No one wants to sit in that. It’s uncomfortable and distracting and painful and pulls you from the present moment.

For those without God, they may turn to alcohol, partying, porn, a relationship, shopping, etc – anything to distract the mind. And I get it – an escape so you can feel positive feelings (even if temporary) and not have to sit in the overthinking. 

But it feels like it’s more than just overthinking – that doesn’t do it justice. It’s spirals of uncontrollable thoughts stirring you left and right and up and down. It’s heavy and tiring. You just want it to stop but you don’t know how to get it to.

So I understand why people turn to medication.

And I understand why people do things that may be sinful to try to get past it. It doesn’t mean it’s right but I can understand.

Even though I believe in God and go to Him when I’m having anxious thoughts or in these spirals, He doesn’t always give me relief from it. Many times He does and the peace of God that surpasses all understanding helps me and comforts me and I get to be in the presence of God and it all goes away. It’s the most beautiful and blissful thing. My favorite thing – the peace of God and the presence of God. 

So of course I hope for this all the time in my life. But if I’m being honest, I don’t always have that feeling of peace or that feeling of God’s presence. And I’m still dealing with this anxiety which sucks. 

But me still dealing with that does not change my faith and belief in the goodness of God. I may not understand why He doesn’t heal it completely or bring relief each time, because I know He can, but I choose to still go to Him and seek Him and ask for His help. 

I will say that God not removing this thorn in my flesh has brought a deeper dependence on God in my life. It’s taught me to be resilient with renewing my mind. It’s taught me to start observing the thoughts coming in and discerning whose voice is speaking and what is true and what isn’t. 

I’m not perfect at it but I’m learning and some thoughts are so clearly lies and I can now squash them under my feet. Some still feel strong and difficult to manage, because there’s a piece of it that feels truthful. But God is bringing me through a process in His way and His timing.

If I had my way, I’d have wanted Him to heal and remove it all at once. But I’m choosing to submit to how God wants to do it and thankful for the victories and showing grace to myself on those harder days.